Gimme Gimme Gimme: When Giving Isn’t Generous

A tranquil moment of mindfulness is captured as a man stands with his hands softly placed over his heart, eyes closed in calm contemplation, revealing the detailed tattoos on his arms.

There’s something culturally sacred about being “a giver.” We’re taught it’s noble. Kind. Selfless. But some forms of giving are quietly toxic, not because of the act, but because of what’s attached to it.  We give hoping to be seen. Hoping to matter. Hoping to feel worthy. And often, we give past our edge, diminishing our boundaries and call it love, or leadership, or excellence.  

Something I’ve learned, albeit painfully sometimes, is that giving without connection to self isn’t generosity. It’s performance. And performance, over time, can become resentment. It can start with an outward projection — it's the recipient's fault in some way, they're taking advantage, they should do this, that or any number of things that match the conditions you laid out in a contract they’ve never seen.  Eventually, though, and sometimes simultaneously, that resentment turns inward. Instead of reflecting, you regret. Instead of accepting your judgment was off in this instance and allowing yourself the space to learn and do differently next time, you sit in the regret and feelings of lack a little longer than is necessary, or beneficial, for you.  

Here’s the distinction that changed things for me: giving from alignment, not obligation.  

When you give from alignment, you: 

- Know your “why.” 

- Don’t attach to how it’s received. 

- Give without over-extending or abandoning yourself.  

When you give from obligation, you: 

- Expect invisible rewards (praise, loyalty, validation).

- Struggle with boundaries. 

- Quietly keep score.  

This shows up everywhere — in work, in friendships, in families. And especially in leadership, where we confuse people-pleasing with compassion, and endurance with effectiveness.  

Some reflections to guide your giving:  

1. Ask yourself why you’re really giving. Is it from care? Or from a need to be needed? 

2. Notice your resentment. It’s often a clue that you’ve overstepped your own boundary. 

3. Set expectations clearly. Generosity isn’t about surprise — it’s about mutual understanding. 4. Redefine generosity. Sometimes, the most generous thing you can do is say no. Or rest. Or ask for what you need.  

We don’t need to stop giving. But we do need to give with clarity, purpose, and connection. That’s the kind of leadership the world is hungry for — not just in roles, but in the people we are within and beyond work (because despite all the “bring your whole self” rhetoric, we adjust and adapt to our environments naturally, and it’s fine to have, and own, different versions of yourself).  

If this is landing for you — personally or professionally — I’m here for deeper conversations. It’s the work I do with individuals and organisations every day.  

Let’s build cultures of contribution that nourish us — not empty us.

We can't keep seeking the remedy externally when we have so much power within.  

Love and Luminosity,   

Sonia